Cazi - 13 years old

When I found out the news I cried and ran upstairs and collapsed with upset. My mum was never going to see me graduate or get married or see my grandchildren or help me throughout life.

It all started when we came home from our holiday in the dominican republic. My mum was complaining of stomach pains and she was being sick and when she tried to walk she was struggling. So then my mum decided to go to the hospital and get checked but they just kept saying it's your crohns disease go home, she must have gone to the hospital 5 times and they just kept sending her home. After a while they x-rayed her and they found a blockage in the bowel and decided to operate the next day. She was in theatre for 4 hours, but she came through because before she went in they said there was a chance that she would not pull through. Layed in the hospital there she was stick thin tubes coming out of her body looking like no-one i knew.

A few months later she was able to come home but she had to have chemotheropy, she started that a few weeks later. My mum had 600 hours of chemo and also she was on a trial drug, she had to have another scan to make sure that she was cancer free. Unfortunately bad news was heading our way, she had it again in her liver and there was a few lymphnodes floating around that was cancerous. This time my mum went to a different hospital and she had another operation, this time it was more serious because the tumour was on the main artery in the liver. So being the brave woman my mum was she was having the op. She came out a few hours later and went to hdu she was there for a couple of days she had tubes and other things leading from her. After a while i went to see her. I cried and cried - it didnt look like my mum. My mum was to have chemo this time too.

After a few months she had to have another scan but yet again there was bad news she had it again in her stomach and her chest with lymphnodes floating around her body again. They carried on with chemo but they had to stop, she had pancreatitis, if they carried on with the chemo it could of killed her. So they gave her a month off to rebuild her strength. The macmillan nurse came round just to check up on her. My mum had turn yellow a few days before but then changed back her normal skin colour but today she was yellow again. The macmillian nurse wasnt very happy, she seemed very worried about my mum. She was DYING. When i found out the news i cried and ran upstairs and collapsed with upset. My mum was never going to see me graduate or get married or see my grandchildren or help me throughout life. I loved my mum, she was my mum but most of all she was my bestest friend in the whole world and she was dying. What can you do without your mum?

Within the next few days the hospice had saved a bed for her. The fist few days were fine she was talking and making her visitors laugh. But the next day she suddenly changed, she was fine yesterday but now she was dying. She was sleeping all day she didnt move or speak. The nurses there said she could still hear us so we were talking to her but if i said i loved her she wouldnt reply and all i wanted was for her to tell me she loved me to. I couldnt bare it no more. I stayed the night at the hospice, i kept tossing and turning i couldnt sleep properly. The next thing i heard was my step-dad saying grandad wake up. I opened my eyes and looked at my mum she had stopped breathing. No this couldnt be happening, she had gone, she had left me to live life without her. I want my mum, was all i would say. I was hugging a dead person but the dead person was my mum, i didnt want to let her go because if i did i would never get her back.

A week later we arranged her funeral. The day before the funeral we went to the chapel of rest because i wanted to see her one last time. We walked into the room where she was, she looked so beautiful but she looked like she was made of clay. I was waiting for her just to sit up and shout bo! because my mum was the mischievous type. I didnt like it, i wanted to go home but i didnt want to leave her. I plucked up the courage to give her a kiss, i did it, she was soooo cold but i loved her and i didnt care.

Update

The day of the funeral came, it was the worst day of my life. The car came with my mum's coffin in - the tears just came flooding out. All day i kept crying. My mum has gone I'm never going to get her back ever. We arrived at the church all of the people stood outside that loved my mum just as much as i did even though i loved her even more. We walked in the church and there was even more people there too. I decided that i wanted to read a poem about my mum telling everyone how great she was even though im sure everyone already knew. I did it, i read the poem all round the church there was pictures of my mum or me and my mum. She was the best mum in the universe, i wouldnt have wished for any other mum cause i know i had the best.

I received a letter off my mum that she had wrote in the hospice just before she died. It was really nice but very emotional. I loved my mum and i still do. I'll never forget her. I find it very hard day by day i think about my mum i just wish she could be here. I miss hugging her and her hugging me back, i miss kissing her and telling her i love her. I know that if my mum didnt have to go then she wouldnt but it just wasn't meant to be. I love my mum i always will and I'll always think about her. I know she is not here in person but always here in spirit. R.I.P MUM xxxxxx

Page updated 18 July 2012