Frankie - 15 years old

I feel I should be doing something but I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless.

When i was 3 my parents split up, I am led to believe it was mutual, however there are doubts in my mind. Later that year my mum developed breast cancer, and went through chemo. I remember spending my time with my grandparents, but not with my dad. The chemo got rid of my mums cancer although when i was 8 she received news from her consultant that she had it again. I didn't know what to do, I remember crying all the time, she had radiotherapy and again it went. I was so relieved.

Then at 12 the cancer developed in my mums shoulder, she was distraught and so was I, my brother who is a few years older then me went to live with my dad, my mum felt so angry and upset. I do see my dad but i mainly stay with my mum. Anyway I think I was 13 when i received the news of my grandma having colon cancer, we all were very upset and went up to my grandparents every weekend, i could tell everytime we went she had deteriated a little more, I couldn't believe this was happening, my mum was good at hiding her feelings by now and I never saw her cry, but a few months later my grandma died, I was so upset and angry, a lot of my family on both sides have had cancer, and some died of it.

A year after my grandma died my mums arm lost its muscle due to scar tissue from all the radiotherapy she had and then developed arthritis in the knee, to which she had to have key hole surgery to help it. This quickly healed, although she has a scar that she's very self concious about. And everything was OK for about 6months then she was told she had cancer in the top of her spine, we were all shocked and again she had radiotherapy, now my mum has got cancer of the bone, its in her long bones, her skull, in her lungs, her spine, liver and around her ribs.

I feel so sorry for her, apparently the cancer is hormonal. The cancer in her lungs makes her gag, I don't know why but sometimes she's sick aswell. A carer comes in every morning to help her get washed and dressed, I feel I should be doing something but I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. She knows she doesn't have long and keeps reassuring me, but i know better. I'm in my second year of GCSE's and I feel helpless, all i do is study and i feel im not there for her, I dont think she knows I love her, I snap at her and others around me quite a lot, I don't mean to but I can't help it. I cry a lot at night, I can here my mum crying sometimes too. I love her and I don't want her to leave me

Page updated 18 July 2012