• STORIES

    Cazi - 13 years old

    When I found out the news I cried and ran upstairs and collapsed with upset. My mum was never going to see me graduate or get married or see my grandchildren or help me throughout life.  more...

  • STORIES

    Frankie - 15 years old

    I feel I should be doing something but I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless.  more...

  • STORIES

    Purplepagandragon - aged 14

    I wish I could just get on with it like my sister but my coping skills don't seem to work like that at all.  more...

  • STORIES

    Clair - aged 14

    Something I wish is I could just have one more day with my dad! - to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for all the bad things I have said and done to him!  more...

  • STORIES

    Micky Blue - 13 years old

    If i feel upset i try to keep a brave face for my dad.  more...

  • STORIES

    Nicky - 15 years old

    I haven't told any of my friends what I am going through. I don't want them to treat me differently. I just wish it will all stop. I'm tired and I want my family back. more...

  • STORIES

    Leanne - 12 years old

    The next day we had a call from the surgeon saying that mums operation was a success. We were all so pleased. more...


Nicky - 15 years old

I haven't told any of my friends what I am going through. I don't want them to treat me differently. I just wish it will all stop. I'm tired and I want my family back.

When I was three I met my step-dad. He moved in with me and my mother a couple of years later. I had my life to grow up with my mother. She was everything for me. Whenever people spoke about her it was with awe or laughter. She was the centre of all attention and I looked up to her. The only thing was she didn't allow me to meet or find out about my biological father. Although I am very attached to my step-dad and I can think of no-one else to fill his shoes, I felt a part of me missing.

When I was 11, I started my secondary school, when my mother was diagnosed with Colon cancer. I was terrified. What if she died? She was my everything. I also had problems with school. I never stick to a group of people, I had my mother's knack of getting along with everyone, but I felt so alone. For the next four years my mother was fine, although she developed liver cancer. She battled through. She was still cracking jokes, having fun, embarrassing me. Only a few friends have met my mum, and they all laugh and speak about how funny she is. No-one knew what I was going through. I denied completely that anything was wrong even when she received lung cancer. My school work suffered because I couldn't concentrate. It was only the beginning of my GCSE course, it did all go wrong.

When I had to go back to school in september, my mother remained in our holiday house, wanting to rest after an exhausting six months in treatment in China. She was expected a couple of days before my birthday. One day I received a call, saying my mother collapsed and was now in hospital. During the holiday she had trouble walking, they found out that she had Brain cancer. My birthday felt gritty, I was missing my mum madly and my step-dad was in a state.

Now it's a question of time. During lessons I'm scared when the interschool phone rings in case they tell me she died. She's become angry, remorse, frustrated. She's not my mother anymore. My mother has obviously died a while ago. I can't concentrate at school, my behaviour has become totally irrational and I have developed insomnia. I haven't told any of my friends what I am going through. I don't want them to treat me differently. I just wish it will all stop. I want my mother to be there for my sixteenth. I worry that if my step-dad remarried I'd feel out of place.

I feel like I'm driving into a wall at 180mph and having to do it all over again. Especially because I have to act as my mother's nurse, when the marie curie nurses leave and my dad's due home. It's getting better now with less duties. However, I feel pressured by my step-dad to act older than I am. He's changed too, he's not lively anymore but angry at me whenever I do something 'wrong'. I am only 15 but I feel like I've had to mature 7 years before everyone else. I'm forced to smile and laugh everyday. I'm tired and I want my family back.