Tazza - 16 years old and update at 18

This time round i've just given up i don't know how i feel. I want to break down and cry whenever i see a happy father and daughter wishing i were that girl. All happy with life.

I was 13 when i first found out my dad had cancer, somehow it didn't affect me i suppose because i didn't want to believe it. I coped with it that way. He had regular treatment for it and even though he looked drained and not as bubbly as he did he was getting better. Eventually after 8 months of a cruel treatment the cancer appeared to have gone. A year later the bubbly chirpy father i got back went for one of his regular check ups, to find that the cancer had come back. I was devastated, this time it seemed to have affected more. I cried myself to sleep for most nights. I told my close friends about it this time and they were there for me but i didn't like people at school knowing, i didn't feel like they should know my worries and problems and i didn't want the sympathy. My dad was then given more treatment again i watch the life get sucked out of him, but what made it worse is that he started to turn to alcohol and would often deny he had been drinking even though it was obvious. I started to hate him for it. It was not helping him but he still drank constantly and him and my mother would argue even more. I tried not to but i still hated him, i then noticed our relationship had gone. My oldest brother always used to tease me saying how i was daddy's little girl and honestly i was, me and my dad were as thick as thieves we were so close but now it was gone. We hardly spoke anymore and to this day the relationship has never gone back to the way it was. Two Years on now he still goes for treatment but only to find out that despite all the treatment the cancer has got to his bones and to his head and slowly into his brain. He's drinking even more and the more i talk to him the more he irritates me but i still want my dad I still love him This time round i've just given up i don't know how i feel. I want to break down and cry whenever i see a happy father and daughter wishing i were that girl. All happy with life. I try not to let it affect me but deep down behind the happy face, i'm drowning in emotions i can't run away from anymore. It feels like i can't turn to anyone anymore because no-one can do anything to help me now. My dad doesn't talk to me or my mum much about it nemore either and i don't know whats happening. I have to try live knowing that he will be gone soon and i will expect it but I dunno how long i have left. Latest update from Tazza, January 2009, 1 1/2 years after the above was written: Well despite my greatest fear my dad isn't getting better not by far. He has been diagnosed again, this time with cancer of the liver.

Page updated 18 July 2012