ask a question ask for advice contact us about Advice Column Something troubling you? Confused but don't know who to speak to? This column could be just what you need. Look through the advice below and see if there's something in it for you. If not - get in touch via the 'ask for advice' button and we'll get back to you directly or post our advice in this column for other users to share. You asked >> I'm 13 and my mum has kidney cancer. i dont know what to do, it seems we always argue and fight about things. sometimes only little insignificant things. life at the moment is rubbish and i just want to know ... how can i help my mum to relax and feel better? We replied >> How sweet of you for wanting to help your mum feeling better, particularly as you’re clearly going through a really tough time yourself. But of course, how you feel and how your mum feel is linked and if your mum is feeling better, you’ll be feeling better and there will be less friction between you and fewer arguments. I imagine that you are both scared about your mum having cancer and you’ll both be worrying about what’s going to happen. When we are under such huge pressure in life we often find that we can get quite moody and be snapping at people and arguing about insignificant things that don’t really matter. You are probably both feeling very helpless about the situation and not knowing what to do to make it better. I can sense that you are very close to your mum and what a lovely daughter she has in you, as someone who wants to help her. I’m sure that there are many things that you can do to help her. We often find that when there’s a lot of arguments between people it is partly because they don’t talk openly to one another about what is really bothering them. I don’t know how it is in your case, but I think the most important thing for your mum and for you too, is to have an open communication about what is happening and how you feel about it. We often see that people are afraid to talk to their parents about their worries because they think it will upset them. It is very common for people in your situation to think that they need to stay strong for their parent who is ill and they think that the way to do that is to put on a brave face and pretend that they’re doing fine. But being strong doesn’t mean not talking about it or showing emotions. It is often quite the opposite that if you don’t talk about your worries then it will bottle up inside you and you will feel even more overwhelmed by it all. In situations like this it is important to talk openly in the family so that you can support each other instead of maybe thinking that you protect each other by not talking about difficult emotions and worrying thoughts. Everybody will be thinking about and worrying about the same things anyway so it’s better to share those thoughts than to carry the burden of worries on your own and let it build up inside you. Your mum may also need help with practical things but because people are different, there are different ways of supporting them. Some people feel that they want to have as normal life as possible when they are ill and going through treatment and they feel more poorly if they get a lot of help. Others feel differently and need to relax more and appreciate having chores taken away from them. Maybe you could ask your mum if there is anything that she feels you could do to help her. Although it’s important to talk to your mum, I do appreciate that there are times when you don’t want to offload your emotions on your mum so I think it is important for you to vent your emotions differently as well. Some people feel better by doing something physical – like going for walks, running or doing some sort of sport. Other hobbies that can get your mind off things can also be a good help. Some people feel it helps them to write down how they feel – like in a diary, or maybe a letter to your mum about how you feel. It is also really important that your teachers know about your situation so that they can support you at school and with your homework. It’s likely that with all this going on you will have problems concentrating on schoolwork and you need all the support you can get from your teachers. I hope that some of this will help you feel that you’re coping better. Maybe also have a look at the riprap forum to see if you can ‘talk’ to anyone else in a similar situation. Good luck - I hope things will get better soon! You asked >> We found out about three months ago that my mum has two breast cancers. Since then she is already had surgery and is half way through her radiotherapy. My dad lives in Switzerland so he isn't at home and because I am the oldest I feel like all the pressure is on me. I have two younger sisters who try their hardest to help but always seem to need me for something. I have no time to do homework and cannot concentrate in class. I have GCSEs in three weeks and I don't think I can cope. I really want to do well but don't know what to do. Please help! We replied >> I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and the very difficult situation you are in at the moment. It is hard enough having to deal with your mum having cancer and coping with the added pressure of looking after your sisters and helping your mum as well as revising for GCSEs sounds really, really hard. It’s no wonder that you cannot concentrate in school and it must be such a worry for you as you are clearly a committed student and would like to do well. The lack of concentration at school and upcoming exams is an issue that many young people contact us about. It is very important that your teachers know about your situation at home so that they can support you through your exams. I don’t know if there are any special arrangements that can be done – like spreading out your exams over a longer period if necessary? In any case, you need to find out what they can offer at your school. They may also have some counselling available so that you could talk to someone face-to-face about what’s on your mind. That would of course not take away any of the actual tasks that you have to deal with but it could help you venting the emotional pressure that is building up inside you and as such maybe help with your concentration. It would also be really good if someone else in the family – or maybe family friends, parents of your sisters’ friends etc. – if other people around you could help out with practical tasks (including sleepovers for your sisters) between now and until you have had your exams so that you would have more time to revise when your concentration does allow it. It’s usually good to try and keep normal routines going but in special circumstances like this it would be best to get some special arrangements in place to take some of the responsibility and pressure off you. I hope that you’ll find a solution to get you through your exams and I hope that your mum’s treatment goes well. All good wishes from riprap x You asked >> My mum has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Nobody except my mum, dad and I know. My mum does not want us to tell anyone else because other stuff is happening in the family, and she does not want to make everyone worry even more. Also she just wants to get on with life as normally as possible and from what I've learnt about cancer and the treatment, this won't be totally possible. At the moment I'm doing my GCSE's, sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by everything that is happening and I just want to tell my close friends what is going on. I know I can't tell them because I have to respect my mum's wishes but sometimes I feel like I need to get it off my shoulders. We replied >> I’m really sorry to hear that your mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This must be a big shock for you and I can understand that you feel overwhelmed by it all. An experience like this is very hard to deal with all on your own and even though you have your mum and dad to talk to, there are likely to be thoughts that you may not feel able to share with them. It must also be hard to be around your friends when you are carrying such a huge secret that you cannot talk about with them. I understand that you want to respect your mum’s wishes but it is also important that you are able to vent your thoughts and feelings about this. Maybe you could go and talk to a counsellor as that would be confidential and no-one else would need to know about it. It would be good if you could talk to your mum about your need for sharing this and hopefully you can find a solution that will be good for you all. In most cases, it is better to talk openly about what is happening, as bottling up emotions will usually make the situation harder to cope with. Good luck with it all! You asked >> How do I cope with my mum having cancer? I don't know what to do. I'm always upset about it lol. Help! We replied >> I’m sorry to hear that your mum has cancer. It sounds like you’re experiencing a completely normal reaction, so you shouldn’t worry that you don’t know what to do, because this is how most people feel! When we find out that somebody close to us has cancer it comes as a real shock and people feel many emotions including sadness, anger and depression, and like you they describe feeling upset a lot of the time. The most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to cope with all these emotions and this upset alone. We always advise people to try and find somebody they can talk to, so that they don’t let their feelings bottle up inside. Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel? This may seem difficult at first because maybe you don’t want to upset her? However, if you can talk openly with her she will be able to help you get through this difficult time, and she will also benefit from having somebody to talk to as well. It may also help for you to have somebody else to talk to like another family member. They will also be worrying about your mum, and sometimes it can help to know that other people have similar concerns to us. I think friends are a really good source of support at a time like this as well. Although you may wonder if they can actually understand what you’re going through, they will be important to help keep your spirits up as much as possible. If you can try and have some fun and make sure you look after yourself, you will be better able to look after your mum when you’re at home. Young people often comment that they don’t know what to do when a parent has cancer. Adults try and protect young people because they don’t want to upset them, and so this can leave you feeling like you’re not quite sure what’s going on. Sometimes it can also seem like you’re not involved in what’s going on, and you can end up feeling a bit helpless when all you want to do is help as much as possible! There are lots of things you could think about doing to help her out a bit. Maybe you could help her around the house a little, or pick her some flowers or treat her to a present. Most importantly, by just being there you will be a huge source of support and distraction for your mum. I hope this helps, and remember that everybody deals with difficult situations in a different way, so you shouldn’t be worried that you don’t know how to act. Just try to find yourself somebody to talk to, and then you will be better able to cope with whatever happens in the future. Take care, and if you need any further support, we’re always here! You asked >> My Mum has just recently been told that she has cancer and I choose not to talk to anyone about cancer or my feelings. This is making her upset at times, and she says I should talk to the doctor. But I refuse to talk to her, my dad or even friends I trust. I don't know what I should say, do or feel? We replied >> I’m really sorry to hear that your mum has cancer. It sounds like you are feeling quite confused at the moment, and you say that you don’t know what to say, do or feel. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the type of situation you are going through at the moment, and you shouldn’t feel that you have to act in a certain way. Everybody copes with stressful situations in their own way, and there is nothing wrong with this. However, we often advise people to try and find some way of releasing their emotions, otherwise they can bottle up inside and people can end up feeling overwhelmed by everything. One good way of letting out emotions is to talk to other people, and let them know exactly how you are feeling. However, it sounds like this is not something you are doing at the moment. I wonder why you’re refusing to talk to your mum? Sometimes we find people don’t want to talk to their ill parent because they are worried about upsetting them, however she is already upset as you described and this will be because she’s worrying about you. Or it may be that you’re feeling angry because she has the illness? Young people sometimes feel angry with their ill parent, and then feel guilty because they know it’s not their fault and they didn’t choose to get ill. Remember that all these emotions are completely normal. If you can manage to talk openly to your parents, it may help ease the atmosphere at home, which will make things easier for all of you. If you don’t want to talk to parents or friends then that’s ok, and you may find it easier to talk to somebody independent of your situation. Your mum suggested speaking to the doctor, which may be an option, but I know it can be quite difficult to get the courage to go and visit somebody in person. You may find it easier to contact somebody by phone and the Samaritans are a good option and are available 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90. You could also contact childline (freephone 0800 1111) and talk to a confidential counsellor about how you are feeling. If you don’t want to talk to people, then there are other good ways to let go of some of your pent up emotions, and you could think about writing some of your thoughts down in a diary, doing physical exercise or listening to loud music! It will also be important to try and keep some sense of normality in the months ahead whilst your mum is going through treatment, which can feel like quite a disruptive and uncertain time. Its good to try and keep going to school, even if you don’t feel like it, because this will give you a routine and also give you some much needed time away from focusing on your mum’s illness. If you feel you can’t focus at school, it may be good to let your teachers know what you are going through, so that they are aware of the reason you’re not concentrating as much as normal. Also, remember that its ok to have fun, and that this doesn’t mean you’re not still worried about your mum. If you can make sure you take care of yourself, then you will feel better about coping with the situation when you are at home. So don’t feel guilty about keeping up with your normal activities and meeting up with friends. If you don’t want to talk about things with your friends, then it may be worth telling them this, so that they know exactly how best to help you, and then they won’t feel worried about mentioning it and upsetting you. I hope some of this helps and remember that everybody is an individual and deals with situations in their own way. There are no right or wrong answers, and you need to find a way of coping that works best for you. Your mum is bound to be worried about you, but maybe you could put her mind at rest a little by telling her that you are trying to find support, and you have made an excellent first step in contacting us. If you need any further advice or information, please get in touch. Take care! Testing For Cancer Read about how Cancer can be tested for>> Baby Pom - aged 14 I have recently started cutting my wrists and am undergoing counselling. Believe me, self harm doesn't help!>>