Talking about cancer
Talking to your parent
Talking about cancer can be tough.
You may want to ask your parent
about lots of stuff, but not feel
able to or maybe your parent does
not want to talk. Or, your parent
may want to talk to you, but you do
not want to talk to them. If you or
your parent does not feel like
talking, do not worry too much at
first. It may be that the time is
not right and you will talk another
time. Sometimes we need to think
things through for a long time
before we can manage to talk about
it. We also know that not all
families are used to talking openly
about their feelings and then it can
be even more difficult when
something serious is happening. But
we also know that difficult things
can become even more problematic if
we all go around thinking about it
without talking to each other and
sharing what we feel. This is why we
usually recommend that parents and
children should talk to each other
even if it can be very difficult. It
is surprising how much better we can
feel after talking about things that
are on our mind. This site has some
information that may help you
understand what’s happening in your
family and hopefully it can also
help you with talking to each other.
When talking about your parent's
illness, here are some things you
may want to think about before you
begin:
- Your parent might resist telling you about their illness, usually because
they don’t want to worry you. Every parent wants most of all to protect their
children from bad things in life and it is easy to think that the best is not to
tell you. This can sometimes be right, but it usually works the other way round.
Most children at any age will know that something is wrong and will worry more
if they don’t know exactly what it is. They will often imagine things that can
be far worse than the reality. If you think your parent is trying to protect you
by not telling you what’s going on, you should let them know how you feel about
it.
- It might also be that your parent does not yet have all the information
themselves. Some people feel more in control of their situation when they have
all possible information and know what is going on. Other people however, don’t
want to know all the details of their illness and treatment. They prefer just to
have an overview and get the information they need bit by bit. It can sometimes
be difficult to talk about the situation if there is a big gap between what you
want to talk about and what your parent wants. You need to figure out between
you what’s best for all of you. Some times you may find it easier to talk to
someone else in the family or maybe someone outside the family.
- Think about your relationship with your parent and how best to approach the
subject. It can be helpful to think back on talks you have had previously about
difficult things. You might feel that your parent should start the conversation,
or maybe you would feel OK about doing this yourself. Go with whatever feels
more natural for you.
- Most importantly, be yourself. There is no right or wrong way to talk about cancer.
Here are some more general tips when talking to your parent about the illness
and how it affects you-
- Try and think about what you want to ask, and what you want to say before you talk.
- You may both feel a bit awkward and it is ok if you are both silent for a while.
- Try to just be yourself and do not worry about if you are doing things right.
- Do not worry if you or your parent gets upset. Cancer is a difficult subject to talk about. There is nothing wrong with being upset and
it can be an honest and good way of showing how you feel. If you or your parent does get upset, you
should do whatever feels right for you. Sometimes it feels good to have a hug
and maybe a good cry together. Other times you may want to have a break and continue talking later.
- Try and talk in a place and at a time where you both feel comfortable and will not be interrupted.
- If you do not understand something your parent says, such as an unusual term like chemotherapy, ask what this means.
- If you really feel like you cannot talk to your parent, but want them to know how you feel, you could write them a note or do a drawing.
Here are some more specific questions that you may find helpful to ask your parent. Remember that we are all different and we don't always want to know the same things. It may be that you or your parent do not need the answers to many questions that we list here. Or you may have other questions. Usually, we know that people don't want to know the all answers to all possible questions at the same time so try to think about what you need to know.
Examples of questions:
- What kind of cancer is it?
- Where in the body is the cancer?
- How is it being treated?
- What medicines are the doctors giving you? What are they for?
- What are the effects?
- How will you feel during treatment?
- How will I feel when you are having treatment?
- How long does the treatment last?
- Where is the treatment given?
- Can I visit if you are in the hospital?
- Who will look after me?
- Will you get better?
- Can I get cancer too?
Talking to your school
Often parents who have cancer let
their children's school know about
the situation. They do this by
talking to the headmaster or writing
a letter. You may find that you do
not want anyone to know about your
parent having cancer. However, it is
important that your school knows
about the situation. This is so that
they can be supportive. Being
supportive does not mean that they
will interfere. You can tell them
how much support and what kinds of
support you need. It is up to you
and your parent how much you tell
the school. However, it needs to be
enough so that the school
understands the effect that your
parents illness and treatment is having on
you and the family. This might include
- When your parent was diagnosed
- The effects of treatment
- How lonf the treatment will go on for
- What extra chores you have to do as a result of your parent's illness
- Whether there will be anyone new looking after you if your parent has to go to hospital
- Whether you now need transport to get to school
- Whether you need extra consideration around homework
If you do not wish to talk to the headmaster about it, try chatting to your year head, form tutor or favourite teacher. You may find it helpful to talk about any worries you have too, about how this situation may affect any exams or important decisions you may have to face.
Remember that your school is there to help.
Talking to your friends
Teenagers have lots of pressures to face, such as homework and wanting to fit in etc, that can seem way apart from, and sometimes more important than having a parent with cancer.
Most likely, your friends will not understand what you are going through
and it is easy to feel that they are
being selfish. Although young people
have lots of pressures of their own,
we often think that being young is a
time for being carefree and not have
any serious worries in life. That’s
the way we want it to be and it is
how most of your friends will be
feeling. When your friends are
worrying about homework and exams,
you may have far more serious things
to worry about. This will probably
make you feel very lonely as your
carefree world has been taken away
from you.It is important that you
keep up your friendships even though
you may feel as if they don’t
understand you and you have little
in common right now. Often, friends
act differently towards you because
they do not know much about cancer,
and they do not know how to support
you. Sometimes, friends can say
hurtful things or leave you out of
activities. Often they don’t say
anything at all or just talk about
normal things as if nothing special
has happened to you. This is usually
because they are unsure about what
to say and how to act. Even though
you have enough on your mind, it may
be that you need to take the
initiative and talk to them about
your situation and how you want them
to treat you. Most likely, you just
want to be treated normally, but you
would also like them to understand
if you are sometimes a bit absent
minded and not quite so eagerly
participating in whatever you are
doing. It may be that your friends
will ask you lots of questions and
it can be a good idea to have some
prepared answers in case some of the
questions get difficult. As well as
you needing your friends, your
friends may need you to show that
you still need them, even if you
seem a little different because
you're upset. Let your friends know
that you still enjoy being with them
and talking to them - just as you
did before.
Remember that no-one is totally
confident and many other people you
know will be feeling out of sorts
too - they too probably do not want
to admit it.
It is important to remember that
most people overcome feeling this
way. If you find that it is too hard
talking to your old friends, try
also talking to new people. You may
well find that there is someone else
at your school who is going through,
or has been through a similar
things. If this is a hard time for
you, remember that it won't last
forever. Often, people who have lost
friends say that they made new and
better ones. Old friends may also
become close to you again.
There are other people in your
situation who have a parent with
cancer. This site has a forum where
young people can share experiences
and it may be an idea to have a look
at that and get in touch with others
in a similar situation. They more
than any one else will understand
what it is like for you. It is
important that you make sure your
friends still feel valued even if
you may feel closer to someone else
right now. Hopefully you will also
find some help in the case stories
on this site and you can also email
us and ask for advice if you feel
like it. |
