When a parent has died
Bereavement
Everyone has experienced a loss of something that they liked and loved. This could be a friend who has moved away, or the loss of a favourite toy as a child. At some time during our lives, however, we will all experience the death of a person who was close to us, be it a family member or a friend. When a loved person dies, we experience what is known as bereavement. The sadness and sense of loss we will feel when a person dies is called grief.
Grief
No-one can tell you how you should
feel when someone you love dies. The
feelings will depend on how close
you were to the person who died, how
long you have known that this would
happen, how you and your family had
talked about it, how the person died
and many other things that maybe
mean something special to you. The reaction to death and the feelings that everyone who knew the person will have will be different. For example, if your parent has died, you will feel different to your mum or dad, because you have lost
a parent and they have lost a partner, your grandparents will feel different again because they have lost a child.
Because we are all individual
persons, you may also feel different
from a brother or sister, even
though you have had the same loss of
your parent.
Grieving is often referred to as a
process and this is because feelings
and reactions differ and change as time passes and you realise what has happened. Some of the emotions that you might feel as part of the grieving process are:
Shock - It can be very difficult at first to accept that your parent has
died. Shock protects you for a while
from the effects that the reality
will have on you. When you are in a
state of shock, your feelings can be
very mixed. It seems impossible to
understand what’s happened and you
might expect the person to still
walk through the door at any minute.
You may also feel numb and very
empty, as if you don’t feel very
much at all. This is not wrong, it
is quite common to feel this way
after a death and many people go
through this. Because the shock can
make you appear absolutely calm,
other people might not always
realise the power of your emotions
at this point.
Denial - Denial can help us coping when terrible things happen to us.
Because it is too difficult to take
it all in, we have what we call
defence mechanisms in our mind that
can block off things from our
consciousness, so that we don’t have
to think about it. It’s like putting
a lid on all the emotions we are
struggling with and we just deny
that anything bad has happened. For
a short period, this can be a useful
mechanism that can provide you with
an opportunity to rest in a chaotic
time. Gradually, the lid will come
off from time to time and the truth
will start sinking in. This form of
denial can help us take in and
accept what’s happened in slow
chunks and is a normal reaction some
time after your parent has died. If
it goes on for a long time, it can
become a problem and will prevent
you from working through your grief
and moving on with life. If you
think you are in denial when you
should try to move on, you must try
to talk to someone about it. This
can be very difficult, as being in
denial makes you not wanting to
think about it or talk about it at
all and this makes it hard to be
aware of the problem. Hopefully,
someone else will notice if you have
these problems and they will help
you work through it.
Anger - You may feel angry at life or God/gods for letting this happen, angry or let down by the person who has died because they have left you, angry at doctors and nurses for not doing enough, angry at your family, or angry at yourself because you may feel that their death is your fault. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process
and even after you realise that
no-one can be blamed, you can still
feel angry at what you have been
through and how it has changed your
life forever. Anger usually lessens as time passes. If it does not for you though, it might be helpful to try and talk to someone who can help. It is important that you do not 'bottle' feelings up.
Sadness and pain - You may have an overwhelming sense of loss, like a
wave crashing over you, that you
cannot shake or get rid of. It may
feel so intense that it is like a
physical pain inside you, and it may
make you feel sick. You may feel
very unhappy for a while and may
have problems eating or sleeping. You will ache for the person and long to be with them again. People express this sadness and pain in different ways. This includes crying, screaming, shaking, shouting, and punching a cushion or chair. Other people feel like they need to hold in their feelings. The difficulty with this is that unless you deal with things, it can be hard to move on and heal. When you allow yourself to grieve, it may not feel like it, but the hard feelings will get better.
Guilt - You may feel guilty about what you did, did not, could, or could
not do to save the person who has
died. You might also feel guilty
because you did not say the right
things or do the right things for
them. This is often called regret
and is a natural feeling in the
grieving process. Regret often
alters the way, for a time that you
treat other people. You may not want
to argue with your brother or sister
for example, in case they die soon
and do not know that you love them.
It is also very common to feel
guilty if you suddenly find that you
are enjoying yourself, like having a
laugh with your friends or just
having a moment feeling happy and
not thinking about your parent and
the sadness. It can make you feel
very bad, as if you don’t care or
have forgotten all about it. You
must not feel bad or guilty about
enjoying yourself in between the
sadness. It is normal and very
important to have moments away from
the grief, as otherwise grieving can
get too overwhelming. It does not
mean that you don’t miss your parent
and are also feeling very sad about
it.
Fear and Anxiety - You may be fearful because you do not understand or like how you are feeling and what you are going through. You may also be frightened about the future.
Who will look after me? Will my
other parent get cancer too? What if I become ill? My brother is coughing, what if he dies? For a while, you may feel unsafe and uncertain about the future and what will happen. These feelings
are very common and usually lessen with time.
Relief - If your parent was in a lot of pain or discomfort when being
ill, you may feel relieved. Also, if
for some reason the person made your
life very difficult for a while, it
is usual to feel some relief. You
might feel relief that their pain is
over, and/or relief that your
difficulties in this situation are
over too. Relief can often be felt
alongside guilt - I should not be
feeling like this. However, many
bereaved people feel relieved for
many reasons, and it is a normal
feeling in the grieving process. It
does not mean that you wished your
parent dead or that you are not very
sad about it. The relief has to do
with the fact that a terribly
difficult time is over, although
there will also be difficult times
ahead.
Resentment - This feeling can be accumulative - it builds up over a period of time. A parent's death may mean that you have more responsibilities now, maybe you have to cook and clean and get your brothers and sisters to school. You might feel resentful towards your friends as they do not have as many jobs to do. If resentment is left to fester, it can cause problems in your friendships and relationships in your family. Rather than let these feelings well up, it is best to tell someone how you are feeling, and to see if something can be done to make things better.
What is the right way? -
There is no 'right way' to grieve. Not everyone will feel all of these emotions, or even to the same extent. For some, a few of the emotions may be very intense, and for others, they may feel all of the above emotions at an equal level. It is likely
that you will experience at least
some of the above, and that their
intensity will vary as time passes
and your whereabouts differ. For
example, a special song may play on
the radio and you will be reminded
again of your loss, when before you
were not thinking about your parent
just then.
Just like there is no right way to grieve, there also no right amount of time to grieve. Life will never be the same again. Often grief is more noticeable for the first year. This is because it takes a year to go through birthdays, and special celebrations, when a person's absence is obvious and your loss is felt more
intensely. Of course, it will not
always feel as overwhelming as it
does at first, but the time of
grieving depends on many things
which will vary for each individual
and also depend on the support you
have. Because many talk about the
first year as the worst, people
often feel that they should “get
over it” after a year. This is wrong
and you must not think that anything
is wrong if your grief doesn’t
suddenly change after a year. It may
take shorter and it may take longer.
You will never “get over” the death
of your parent. You will always be a
changed person because of it, but
you will be able to live with your
loss and hopefully think more about
the good memories than the pain of
the grief.
When grieving gets too much
Sometimes people can become so
caught up in their grieving that it
completely takes over their lives.
Their thoughts and feelings about
the deceased person are constantly
there and they find it hard to think
about anything else. This can cause
problems with sleeping and they may
have no appetite and eat very
little. It is very exhausting to be
dominated by grief like that and
this is worsened because of lack of
sleep and food. During this time,
people often feel a sense of
hopelessness and despair and they
feel like they cannot go on. If you
are feeling this way, it is very
important that you tell someone that
you trust, like parent, grandparent,
other relative or maybe your
teacher. Often there will be special
bereavement services with groups or
counsellors you can talk to at
hospices or cancer information and
support centres. Counselling is not
as big a deal, or as scary as it
sounds. It is usually confidential,
so that what you tell your
counsellor, they will not repeat.
Working through these feelings and
your grief is very important. You
have not let anyone down, or failed,
if you need some help to do this.
Life can be enjoyable again; it may
just take some talking and time.
Mourning
The ways in which people express their grief is called mourning. Moving through the process of mourning can at times be made easier through using the facilities
and rituals within our own different cultures that allow us to do this.
There are many ways to express grief. Some people find that writing poetry, letters or journals, drawing pictures or lighting candles help them to make sense of how they are feeling. Others have found it helpful to attach notes to a balloon and release it into the air.
Many people use a religious service
to express their grief. These also
allow family and friends to support
each other and it helps people to
realize that this is really
happening, making everything more
real and final. It is a time that
many people say good bye. It is your
choice whether or not you chose to
attend your parent's funeral.
Because you know that this will be a
very difficult day, you might feel
like not going. Is may seem like the
easiest way to deal with your grief
at the time, but it is usually not
the best way in the long term.
Although being there will be
emotionally difficult, it is a very
important day for letting all your
emotions to the surface. If you are
not there, you will wonder how it
was and you will miss this
opportunity of saying goodbye to
your parent, although you may feel
that you have already done that.
Sometimes adults think that it is
best for children and young people
not to go to funerals, because they
think it will upset them and they
want to protect them from that. It
is of course correct that it is
upsetting to go to a funeral to
someone we love. However, this form
of upset has a useful function and
is not damaging and we now know that
for most young adults as well as for
children of any age, it is
recommended that they take part in
the funeral of someone close to
them. If you have not been to a
funeral before, you should ask
someone what will happen there so
that you are prepared before you go.
Decisions about taking part in the
funeral can be difficult and what is
usually recommended may not be right
for everyone. If you think that it
is right for you not to go, this may
be the case. Because the funeral
takes place so soon after your
parent has died, you will have lots
of emotions to deal with and it can
be hard to know exactly what is the
best thing to do. It is important
that you think through this very
thoroughly and discuss it with
adults you trust before you make the
final decision. Remember that this
is something you can not do
differently another time and you
must make a choice that you will not
regret later.
It is important that if you choose
not to be there, you remember that
you can still give something of
yourself. You could write a letter
or poem to put in the coffin, write
a prayer or a message from you to be
read out, or choose a hymn to be
sung. Being part of the ceremony in
some way, can help you now as well
as later when thinking back on it.
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