Is theres anything i could do to help myself and the rest of my family?

Hi ive never done anything like this before so thought i would give it go, i lost my mum 3 years ago this october to stomach cancer which turned terminal within a matter of weeks. We where very close bestfriends really, my mum and dad divorced way before that, I lived with her and her partner. I find it hard to talk about to the rest of my family without breaking down, my two brothers have children..two of which she never had chance to meet. I feel fustrated angry and cant seem to control what i feel. I just wondered if theres anything i could do to help myself and the rest of my family.

I’m glad you plucked up courage to message us, and I can see how hard the last 2- 3 years may have been – losing your mum to cancer. It sounds as though her loss is still raw and painful, and that you’re maybe not getting the opportunity to explore the emotions you’re feeling. Hopefully, I can help - my name is Sue, and I am one of the riprap team – (like my colleagues, Hilde and Robyn, I am a cancer nurse by background).

Reading through your message, I can tell how very close you were to your mum. You lost her at that special time, just as you were developing into adulthood, and some of what you may be feeling now may be regret. Sadness that she isn't here to see how the family has grown, and to be a physical part of your life now.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process too - sometimes at the fact that she's no longer here, sometimes that you see other people around you getting on with their lives, and you have lost that key person. Sometimes people tell me they even feel angry at the person who has died...even though they loved them very much...they can feel deserted...

You mention that you find it hard talking with the rest of your family about your grief - as you break down. How do your family react when/if you do? It may be that they're hurting too, but are not sure how to talk about your mum's loss without breaking down too. I shouldn't generalise, but perhaps if your brothers are older, they may have either processed (or suppressed) their grief so well, that they can't face re-visiting it. Men sometimes find it harder to talk about emotions, (I'm not sure if this is the case), so you may find they're not sure how to handle your sadness?

Something you might like to consider, is dropping into one of our Maggie's Centres (they are an organisation, of which riprap is part). Maggie's is for anyone, over 18, who has been affected by cancer - and this includes families, carers and the bereaved. It's a warm, friendly environment where you can talk to our team and realise you're not alone in how you feel, and the emotional turmoil you're undergoing maybe needs some one to one talking through? We also have a Maggie's Online Centre, which runs an online bereavement support group - as well as cancer support specialists (like me) who you can message for some one to one support.

There is also Cruse Bereavement Care, whom you can phone, email or see face to face, and they provide bereavement counselling - to help you work through the emotions you're feeling. Grief is unique to each individual - and it has no set 'recovery date' - but sometimes talking it through, helps make sense of such a significant loss in your life...

I hope this reply has helped a little. You are welcome to get back in touch, either here, or via Maggie's Online Centre.

Page updated 25 June 2015