It's hard not being able to have my mom look after me, it´s me looking after my mom.

September 2014 my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. After 4 months of kemo and radio therapy nothing had changed so they decided to give my mom a radical Hysterectomy and she was in hospital for 5 months getting over her operation, but once she was out knowing she didn't have cancer was the best feeling ever, knowing I had my mom. But after weeks of mom still being sick the doctors gave mom loads of checks and going in and out of hospital they told she had cancer again and that it had spread around her bladder. That left me distraught but it left me numb with no emotions. So started all the kemo again, she could not have any more radio therapy so just the kemo. They tried the strongest one and mom had an allergic reaction to it so they had to lower the dose. After weeks and weeks of kemo they said to my mom they are stopping kemo as it is doing nothing at all. That's what hit me like a truck. I live with my mom by myself, I have 2 older brothers who have their own house. My mom and dad have split when I was young and nan is struggling with the situation. I have took the role as night time carer, it is not the fact of getting things for mom, its seeing her ill and seeing her not well enough to be my mom, the woman she used to be. Its hard not being able to have my mom look after me, it´s me looking after my mom.

Thank you for writing to us here at riprap. My name is Hilde and I am one of the team here together with Sue and Robyn. I wasn’t sure whether you wanted your message to be published as a story in the ‘stories’ section or whether you wanted us to reply to it here in the “Advice” section… As you used the form for ‘queries’ and not the one for ‘stories’, I have chosen to put it here and hope you’ll find it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you’ve had a really difficult time for over a year now with brief periods of hope followed by bad news several times. I can imagine that you’re feeling quite exhausted by all the ups and downs and the worries and uncertainties of everything that’s been happening… It is perfectly normal to be feeling both distraught and numb at the same time when such a devastating thing is happening in your life.

It must be really hard being alone at home with your mom with both your brothers having moved out. It sounds like your nan is there a lot but naturally you have also taken on a new role in caring for your mom. I can imagine that your world has been turned upside down in such a short time from your mom looking after you and now you’re looking after her. It is very common what you say that you don’t mind doing things for your mom but it’s seeing her ill and changed from the mom she used to be that is so very hard to deal with…

I am wondering whether your mom and the family (including you) have got any support from outside the family…? Are there any nurses or others coming to the house to care for your mom and support the family? Have you got any support from school or friends…? We would really like to be able to support you with what you’re going through but it may be better to do that more privately through emails. If we knew a bit more about your situation we could support you through our online support service and if you wanted to we could also help you find out about local support in the area where you live. It would be good if you could get back in touch with us again so we can find out more about how we can help you. You can just use the ‘get in touch’ form that you used before but remember to tick in the box asking if you would like us to get back to you via email.

Thinking of you and hope to hear from you soon.

Warm wishes, Hilde

Page updated 25/01/16