My dad is everything to me...

My 39 year old dad has been recently diagnosed with bowel cancer. I'm a freaking out!! My dad is everything to me if I lose him I would kill myself. My mum who has sciatica has always been getting extremely worried. We do not know what to do. My 2 younger siblings do not know about this. I need all the advice I can get. My dad went to a CT scan today and we will hopefully get the results of if it's is spreading. I will say this again I need all the advice I can get. Thanks.

Hello, My name is Hilde and I am a cancer nurse and part of the riprap team together with Sue and Robyn. I imagine it must have been a huge shock to be told that your dad has bowel cancer, as you don’t expect anything like that to happen to your parent when you’re only 13 years old. It’s hard not to think of the worst that can happen but remember that many people are treated successfully for cancer and go on to live a long ‘normal’ life. It’s good that your dad has had the CT scan and hopefully you’ll get the results very soon. The waiting time that you’re in now is often described as the worst time because everything is so uncertain and you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. And when we don’t know – our imagination takes over and because you’re so scared about losing your dad, that’s probably all you can think about at the moment. Once you get the results of the CT scan you will know more about what the situation is really like and what will happen with treatment for your dad. But right now, it’s very understandable that you are really anxious and that you feel overwhelmed by it all.

I imagine that it must be difficult to be around your younger siblings when they don’t know about something that is so totally dominating your life. Perhaps your parents want to know the result of the CT scan before they talk to them so they know a bit more about what’s going to happen with the treatment… It’s good that your parents have been open to you and I hope you feel able to talk to them about how you feel. Don’t go around thinking that you want to stay strong for them and that you want to ‘protect’ them and not upset them by not telling them about your worries. They have told you because they want to have an open communication with you and it’s better to talk openly about your emotions instead of bottling them all up. It’s good that you have written to us too and we would very much like to support you with what you’re going through. You can ‘talk’ to us via email and one of us will reply as soon as we can.

This will also be an anxious time for your mum and dad and I hope they have a place they can go to for support. But as this is such a new situation, they may be looking for support. You may want to tell them about the bigger organisation that riprap is part of which is a cancer charity called Maggie’s. Maggie’s have centres around the UK (Maggie’s centres) and they also have Maggie’s online centre for people who prefer ‘talking’ online. You could always mention Maggie’s to your mum and dad so they know of a place they can seek support too…

Right now, for you – I think the best advice is to keep talking to people about how you feel so that your emotions are not being bottled up. When we bottle up difficult emotions they tend to grow bigger and make us feel even more stressed and anxious because of the pressure that builds up. We need to vent that pressure by talking or writing about how we feel. I’m wondering whether you have a close friend who knows about your dad and that you can talk to…? I’m also thinking about your school situation and whether your teachers know about the situation at home? It is usually good to tell the school about important things going on at home so that they know why you may be upset at school, perhaps not being able to concentrate, having problems with your homework or other ways that the situation at home may be affecting you at school. If they don’t know they can’t support you either…

Other ways of dealing with the situation right now while you’re waiting for the results is to try and keep yourself busy with things that can help ‘distracting’ you from thinking and worrying about your dad all the time. As I’ve said above, talking about how you feel is important but if you talk and think about it all the time it can make you feel quite exhausted so you need some ‘time out’ doing other things that can take your mind off it now and then. So don’t feel bad if you spend time with friends and have moments when you manage to almost ‘forget’ about your worries as that’s very important too.

I’m pleased that you have written to us and I hope that we’ll be able to support you with what you’re going through. You may also want to have a look in our forum where you’ll find other young people in similar situations to you.

I hope it helps a little bit to know we are here for you and please get back in touch whenever you feel like it.

Warm wishes, Hilde

Page updated 22/06/16