My mum will die of cancer - I can't cope

Hi , my mum will die of lung , back cancer and brain damage, I can't stop crying in my head and I just want to scream , I know my family will give me support if I show my feelings but I just don't want to , I don't like attention , it just gets me tensed up and I hate it , I can't cope... please help me

I am truly sorry to hear about your mum and how you have been told that you are going to lose her. I can only imagine how devastating that must feel and no wonder that you can’t stop crying, though you seem to be mostly crying on the inside. At the age of ten, you never expect that any of your parents might die so I imagine this would have been a huge shock to you. In a situation like yours, emotions are often all over the place with feelings such as anger and sadness mixed up with worries about the future… And it is quite normal to be feeling like you do, - that you can’t cope with it all…

In the riprap team, we are all experienced cancer nurses and have worked with lots of families in similar situations to you. I am very glad that you wrote to us and hopefully we’ll be able to support you so that the feeling of not being able to cope is not so overwhelming.

You seem like a very mature girl for your age as you clearly have good insight into your own feelings. You say that you don’t like attention as it makes you tense… We are all different and many people feel like you, that they want to keep things to themselves and not talk about it if they think it may lead to big discussions and lots of attention. But this is a very special situation and something as huge as this is too big and important to be dealing with on your own. You say that you feel like screaming and that’s because your emotions are all bottled up inside you and they are bursting to get out… The longer you keep your emotions to yourself, the more the pressure will build up inside you and at some point you need to lift the lid off to vent your emotions. It’s good that you have taken the step and written to us as that is one way of venting your emotions. We can continue to ‘talk’ to you via emails as long as you like but you also need support where you are on a day-to-day basis. It’s reassuring to read that you know your family would support you if you show your feelings and although you don’t want to do that, I really think you need to… I know you say you don’t like attention but the way things are now, you really do need attention from your family. If they don’t know how you feel and how hard this is for you, then they can’t be there for you to support you either…

We have many children and teenagers writing to us and many feel the way you do. We also know that when they do open up it usually feels like a huge relief and they don’t feel so alone with everything. It’s common that children don’t want to talk openly to their parents because they worry about becoming upset and start crying and they worry that if they do that, it would upset their parents too and they don’t want that. But there is no denying that this is a very sad situation and it is natural to cry when talking about it, both for children and adults. Crying can also help release some of the pressure inside you and although it doesn’t change the situation it can often make us feel a little better afterwards.

Remember that if you go around putting on a brave face for your family, they may think that you’re coping okay and they may think it’s best not to talk to you about it in case it will make you upset. However, you’re already terribly upset but if you are very good at hiding it then they won’t know… And then we often end up with a situation where everybody in the family are thinking and worrying about the same things but no-one talks about it so everybody feel alone with their sadness and worries and that’s not good for anybody…

We would very much like to support you and help you open up so hopefully you’ll write back to us and together we can work out how to do that in the best way for you. I’m also thinking that you need support at school too so it would be good to know if your teachers are aware of your mum’s situation…? And what about your friends, do they know so they can be there for you…? It may also be that you need some kind of support locally and we can help you find that if you feel like it.

You may have investigated the riprap website already but if not, you may find it helpful to have a look at the emotion ‘toolbox’ where you can explore and find tips about feeling angry and sad and other emotions. (You just click on the ‘pebbles’ on the brown ‘book shelf’ to access that section of the website.) You may also find support in reading stories from other young people on riprap and you may want to have a look in riprap’s online forum to connect with others there if you feel like it.

Thinking of you and hope to hear from you again…

Warm wishes

Hilde, riprap team