Mum dying of cancer why do I feel so alone?

Started : 24.7.2013 by Jazmine

My mum has had cancer 3 times before and beaten them each time. This time she can't beat the cancer. Before I was born my mum had cancer and when I was about 7 she had tongue cancer and had an operation to remove part of her tongue. Then again when I was 10 or 11 she got a tumour in her stomach and not to recently had a part of it removed. She got the all clear but then the cancer came back all too quickly and this time it spread to a part where doctors say they cannot operate. She is currently going through chemotherapy which will give her a bit longer, the doctors estimate 18 months at the most. I go to a performing arts school where I get up at 6.30 and get home most nights at 6.30 and some 5. It's very stressful as I have dance exams and all sorts to worry about and loads of academic homework, along with mums cancer obviously. At first it didnt quite go in, i kept telling my parents "of course she'll get better, the chemo will cure the cancer completely" but only recently i have started to understand. And its honestly been the hardest thing in the world. Although I have so much support and my friends are great, they try to understand but lose interest because they just don't get it, they don't understand. I'm so alone, everyday is getting worse and when my mum goes I don't think I will cope at all. Through my whole life my mum has always looked after me and my 15 year old sister and done everything for us as my dad used to work full time. Dad is taking on her role now that she's ill but even when she's not in hospital she does most things. A part of me is my mum. I bottle everything up and so when everything gets too much the littlest things set me off, just listening to a sad song puts me in fits of tears and I've started crying at school in front of everyone. They are great though, older years giving me hugs even though they've never talked to me and all really caring about why I'm sad. The saddest thing about my mum is watching her get worse and seeing the cancer take over. She cries and says she wishes she was the person she used to be, she wishes she could take care of me and my sister, doesn't want to leave us...she's my inspiration and want her to see me grow up, get my dream job, see her grandchildren and for her to be proud of me as she has brought me up. I wanted some advice on how to stay positive, because I've lost hope and I feel like I'm falling into a black hole. I'm so glad I found this website because I've never talked to any child going through the same thing as me. I'm scared, really really scared for the day I lose her.

3 Comments so far...

1 - Lulu 8/10/2013 @ 22:18

Hi, wow you're going through a really tough time right now and I'm soo sorry. This website is great for things like this so make sure you check out all the sections. My cousin went through the same thing you're going through now and his mum passed away recently. We weren't that close but it has affected me greatly and I cry every night just thinking about her.. It's so difficult and no one can really understand unless you're in the situation itself. It's horrible to experience I know, but it will get better I promise. Just always remember you are NEVER alone and there will always be someone you can turn to when you need help! I wish you luck for what the future brings - it may be stormy now but the rain can't last forever <3

2 - E.P 12/4/2019 @ 19:56

Hey, I completely get how you're feeling and I constantly feel alone. My mum has had cancer twice before and beaten it and this time she can't beat it. She is a huge part in of me and has always been there for me, she means the world to me and I'm so scared to face life without her and I want her to be able to see my achieve my dreams and it's crushing me that she won't be able to. I try to talk to my friends about it sometimes but as much as they try to understand, they don't get it and to be honest I can't really expect them to but the fact that I feel like no one understands makes me feel incredibly isolated and disconnected from people. I've found music really helps me get through it so if you have any expressive hobbies or things that make you feel a tiny bit better, I suggest spending time doing that, also I have a councillor and counselling is really helping me and maybe it might help you to. I'm always here if you want to chat or anything

3 - Daisy 21/9/2019 @ 23:47

Hey, I feel the exact same. Everything you said made complete sense and I am so happy that someone gets how I feel. Your mum, just like mine, will keep going and I hope she gets as long as possible.