Alex - 15 years old

To be quite honest, I really haven´t been coping. I tell everyone that I have but I haven´t.

I found out just short of three months ago (Friday 8th December 2017) that my mum had been diagnosed with bowel cancer. It absolutely shocked our whole family, as it would do with any family, but especially since my mum is only 41 and is so young.

Everyone knows now, my family, friends, teachers, and they’re all trying their best to help which I am very grateful for. But I just feel like it’s not enough sometimes. I want to talk about my mum having cancer, but I feel like I can’t talk to my family about it as I don’t want to upset anyone.

To be quite honest, I really haven’t been coping. I tell everyone that I have but I haven’t. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone by telling them how I really feel, particularly my friends because they all have their own problems going on at the minute without worrying about me too. The truth is, I cry myself to sleep most nights. I have panic attacks and have to calm myself down because I don’t want anyone to know I’ve had one. I dig my nails into my hands every time i think about it, to the point where they actually start bleeding. As soon as I get up to my bedroom at night I break down and bang my head against the wall feeling sorry for myself.

The truth is, in actual fact, I am not coping at all. And i have no right to feel sorry for myself and I know I am just being selfish, because I am not the one going through it. I am not the one who spends every day at the hospital getting treatment. My mum is, so it is stupid that I even think like this. Sometimes I just feel like since the day I first found out my mum had cancer, my whole life has come crashing down around me.

Page updated 28 February 2018