Ash - 15 years old

Anger wall is another type of releasant and i have up in my room, it shows my anger and then why it is my anger and then it gives techniques on how to deal with this anger. It is really good, maybe you should try this, it can help, or seek advice.

It all started when my mum was having serious pains while passing waste, she thought nothing of this so she carried on as normal, as time progressed my mum's pains were starting to hurt more and starting to bleed, these pains were continuing for at least 2 years. I told my mum to go to the doctors but she was too scared but she finally went, they gave her a hospital appointment they did a test called sigmoidoscopy test, the results showed a growth of cancer in the bowel. They came home from the hospital and I was in my room, I saw my mum and sister crying. I asked what was up and my mum told me that she had Bowel cancer, all I could do is cry. The first thing that came up was death, I thought she was going to die. Nothing was normal since then. My mum then had to go for another scan to see if it has spread anywhere else. The results came up that it has spread to the liver, it was just going downhill for my mum.

Mum had her operation for the bowel in June 2005 where it had been removed, she started chemo therapy, she had three lots then it was time for her liver operation. We all thought it was going to be fine and she would be well before Christmas 2005. In October 2005 my mum went for her liver operation. When she was in theatre they noticed that the liver was completely consumed with little dots of lumps so they could not do anything. This meant she was going to die. It took awhile for our family to get adjust to what we have just been told and my mum took about 4 weeks to be well again. She went to the hospital to see her consultant. He said she has about 6 months but if she has chemo then every chemotherapy she has, it puts on about 2 months. So she went ahead with the chemo but unfortunately the chemo gave my mum an allergic reaction and she had to be put off chemo. Since then she has been well, she has had some bad days and some good days. My mum always says she went through everything for me and my sister because we mean the world for her but it is a shame she has to leave so early.

I have only just started reflecting on my problem and it has hit me. My friends are golden to me and they understand everything what I am going through and are amazing to show their affection about my mum. They always ask how she's feeling. I always say she's fine even if she aint cause I don't want them worrying about her or me, even though my friends mean a lot to me. I also have thought of taking my own life but I'm not sure in doing it cause I always think of my family and friends so I can't do it. I also go to counselling witch I have just started and this helps. I can just say all the things I want to say, get rid of all the problems I lock up inside me about my mum. If you are going through the same situation as me or similar then counselling is the best option. My mum is fighting good and I hope it stays like that for a bit more longer.

Update

Over the last few months my mum has got worse and worse, making me more and more down and upset. I went through a really bad depressing stage and i wanted to end my life, but my councillor helped me get through it. It all happend when my girlfriend couldnt take it no longer about my problems with my mum, it hit her when i was crying to her sayin i couldnt take it, i probably scared her off witch makes me feel hurt inside. A couple of weeks ago my mum was really ill and had to be seen by a doctor, they think the cancer has spread back into her bowel now and theres a risk that it is going to affect her life span. I thought can anything get any worse than this? I want to turn back time to when my mum is well again and she can do all the things she liked to do when she was well. I just wish.

Macmillan nurses come often as well and i have no privacy with my mum. But knowing i cant, i just go out with my friends and talk to them about everything, i have some really great friends that help me and understand everything that i say. I treated my friends like dirt when i went through a depressing stage and i lost quite a few of them :( times like this i just want to burry my head in a pillow and shout, i reflect pain to my anger and do things i wouldnt normally do. I have also written things down what make me angry and hurt and then after rip them up or burn them. When i do this it like I'm writing the problem and then when burning or rippin the piece of paper up its like gettin rid of the problem for a while. I got all these techniques of dealing with anger from my councillor and she has been a star to me. Anger wall is another type of releasant and i have up in my room, it shows my anger and then why it is my anger and then it gives techniques on how to deal with this anger. It is really good, maybe you should try this, it can help, or seek advice.

But i would like to keep in contact with other people just like me and we can talk about things and we got each other to help and understand because i feel no one can understand probably what your going through unless they are going through it themselves. I would like that.

At school there are many people asking me how things are in the home and how my mum is today, and then there are some people who are so sick and havent got no heart and speak nasty things about my mum, there has been two people so far and i hope there will be no more.

This week many things has happened also, the Macmillan nurses are thinkin of puttin my mum into care and i dont want that, but my mum is considering it because my dad is always at work and she is on her own when im at school or doin my weekly club. I also sometimes go out just to get away from the pressure inside the house, but at the end of the day it is my mum's choice and i have to respect that. I will keep up to date with my mum because i want to know that people out there are in the same boat as me and this gives them a chance to write their story and share with others.

Page updated 18 July 2012