Chloe - 16 years old

Sometimes it feels like you are drowning in your own mind, asking yourself what you did to cause this to happen, why did it happen to my mum, why cant I stop this, why are the treatments not working, am I responsible?

My experience started about 9 months ago after my mum visited the doctors for about eight months, the doctor constantly said that she was fine and there was nothing wrong she just had an infection. When the doctor tried to put my mum on more antibiotics she refused and demanded to be referred and be checked out again. It was then that they found the cancer. When the doctor was taking swabs she could actually see a large tumour. Within 3 days and after scans and swabs and tests it was clear my mum was actually seriously ill.

I remember being told that it was cancer, I remember exactly how I was told. She had cervical cancer which had spread quite extensively but luckily was still remote. However due to the fact the tumours were so big, they could not be removed so they started a radical plan which was radiotherapy every day and chemo once a week for six weeks.

After the six weeks of treatment and the time gap they give for the radio to continue working we were told that my mum had actually beat stage 4a cancer (it was the 18th December). I remember feeling like I had just been given the best Christmas present of all time! On the first 6 week scan however the cancer was back and in fact one tumour in the bowel had been missed all along. Straight away my mum had surgery to remove the tumour, the bowel, a full hysterectomy and some lymph nodes.

After an optimistic couple of weeks we recently found that the cancer in the lymph nodes had already travelled around the entire body. There are no tumours, but thousands of cancer cells roaming around the body. Chemo starts again in the next week, however this treatment is what they uses for patients going on palliative care, and does not look like it will be a cure but something to provide extra time.

The first time I found out, I was very hopeful and never thought of the fact that she could die. I told myself and my mum she will be ok, and she will win the fight. The second time I was really hurt, I knew the pain that I had just felt and witnessed was about to repeat itself, but the third time, I remember feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Sometimes it feels like you are drowning in your own mind, asking yourself what you did to cause this to happen, why did it happen to my mum, why cant I stop this, why are the treatments not working, am I responsible?

This time my mind feels like it’s been taken over by guilt and anger, I cant help but feel responsible for what has happened. The more things you are faced with the harder it becomes. Inside I feel like nobody understands, because the people I talk to have never experienced anything like this, and I’m glad they haven't !! but sometimes, it’s a very lonely place.

 

Page updated 15 April 2014