Daddy's little girl - 15 years old

I just feel so helpless I don't know what to do and cant cope anymore.

I was 12 when I found out about my dad and I was currently going through counselling. I remember it very clearly. I was in the car with my mum on the way and she wanted to come in the room with me and that's when she told me that my dad had been diagnosed with a cancer called myeloma. Myeloma is incurable and different for every person. I don't live with my dad and have very little contact with him which everyday that goes by I regret but I just don't know what to say to him.

Before I was told about his cancer he had had it for 6 months but didn't want us to worry until he had to go into a sterilised bubble as I was told. For 2 years he was on chemotherapy and radiotherapy and having stem cell transplants as much as possible. A year went by and he seemed to be clear of the cancer for all I knew because at this point I wasn't aware that it was incurable.

I looked up multiple plasma myeloma on the internet only to read the his cancer is nick named 'the silent killer' this shook me up for months on end I went through stages of not eating or talking to any one and I just felt so helpless. We're into his 4th year of him having cancer and I swear each year gets harder not easier like people say it should. I am in my first year of my exams and I find it so hard to concentrate my mind just wanders off and always thinks of the worst.

My dad was ready to give up a few months ago he didn't want to do it anymore he was refusing treatment and refusing the rounds of chemo he was meant to be on. He always told me that he was strong, that he could fight anything but I think this is becoming a loosing battle. He is by far the strongest person I have ever known but even those people have weaknesses.

At the moment he is having side effects of the chemo where its like permanent pins and needles in his feet and they are not sure whether it is curable. I just feel so helpless I don't know what to do and cant cope anymore. It’s one piece of bad news after another has been for 4 years and will be until this cancer takes him away from us. I love you daddy and always will no matter what. Stay strong! X

 

Page updated 19 August 2013