Ellen - 15 years old

In between that things seemed like a bit of a blur, but then my birthday came in October. I was turning 15. It´s only like 6 months ago, but I know that´s the last birthday I´ll spend with daddy.

Feeling alone, angry and sad all mix in together. I found out my Dad had cancer on the 11th of September 2017. I knew it was never ever going five east from there, and it isn’t. He was diagnosed with the Stage 4 glioblastoma, which is a very aggressive cancer and there is no cure for it. At the time I didn’t really know there was no cure for it, I thought they could get rid of the tumour imbedded in his head, but they couldn’t. I was worried for my whole family, I didn’t know what was going to happen. My mum doesn’t work, inky daddy did. I literally thought for it least a solid few months that we would end up homeless with no food and daddy would be gone, and that my life would be worth nothing. You couldn’t blame me, I didn’t know what to expect.

But anyways, my dad had an operation, trying to remove as much as the tumour as possible. I remember that day. Well the day just before it, I remember sitting in the family room, trying to hold it all together, but more importantly I remember my mum said “the operation is to give your dad longer life”. I broke down right in the cafeteria in the hospital, I wrapped my arms around daddy and said “why?”.

In those few days that we found out mummy said I was the only one who made him show emotion. Whenever the operation was over, I wanted to go see him straight away and I did. He had a big scar all over his head, with a bandage wrapped around him. It was really scary, and I was regretting coming to see him, because I knew I didn’t want to remember him like this. It sounds awful to say but it’s true.

In between that things seemed like a bit of a blur, but then my birthday came in October. I was turning 15. It’s only like 6 months ago, but I know that’s the last birthday I’ll spend with daddy. Daddy had radiotherapy all the way up to Christmas since then, and I noticed him getting tired, so sleepy... and weak as well... I didn’t even think he’d make it past it all. On Christmas Day I just remember he had a wallet in his chair for a Christmas present. I got him and mummy a photo album, but it was old photos that I picked out. I put so much effort in it but I wish I did more. I don’t even know if he liked it or not. Maybe it just seemed like a bit of a waste, but I’ll never really know as he doesn’t speak much anymore about anything.

Moving on, we just got the results back from his scan. There has been another tumour growing, and major changes, he’s going to try chemotherapy now but I don’t want him to because I think it will make him feel worse. It’s really difficult trying to balance all your GCSEs module exams when this is going on, and I’m really scared because I think I’ve failed them all. But all I’m worried about is my daddy, my daddy who I love. It’s so sad, knowing I’ll not get to dance with him in my wedding day to Paul Simons “Father and Daughter” which is our song. He won’t see me get my final GCSE results next year. He won’t see me become a Drama Teacher. He didn’t get to see my Spring concert which just past. He barely sat through my school Play. He won’t see my drive my first car. He won’t see my be happy with a husband when I’m older.

But all other negative thoughts are easier to throw in our face, we just need to remember all the things we have done together and the memories. Like cycling to Tesco for moshi monster cards all them years ago. And running up and down the beach in summer 2017, just a month before his diagnosis. I’ll never understand why him, but nobody ever will get that answer. I just find it ironic that the day before he got told was the day I went to church for the first time. I never understood, that I just tried with God and he or that on me. Or maybe he stepped into my life just on time. I stopped going to church now; because I gave up on miracles. I’ve prayed and prayed for my dad to be healed but he is just getting worse. Nobody will ever understand what I’m going through, Apart from you all on this website. It’s the only website that has actually helped me. I hope you can reach from my story and realise you’re not alone and there are others going through it to!!! Reach out to your family about it, talk to your mum or your dad or siblings before it’s too late, believe it or not they want you to. They need you too, cancer doesn’t affect just one person. It affects the whole family. It gets better before it gets worse, and when it gets worse it gets better!!!

Now I have found out my dad can’t get chemotherapy, and they can offer him no more. Father day just past and I know it will be my last with him. I don’t understand. I’m angry and I’m so so sad, but I believe god will help me. I believe that God, gave me a vision and it is true. I suggest maybe praying, it might help. I know my dad has not long left but I will spend as long as I can with him, if he’s not in bed. Memories are so important.

Page updated 26 June 2018