Flo - 17 years old

Everyday I'm frustrated with him and this frustration is followed by guilt for that fact that it's not his fault yet I feel so angry at him.

My dad had suffered from severe epilepsy since I was young, and was eventually diagnosed with a brain Tumour 7 years ago when I was 10. He underwent an operation to remove the tumour, however not all of the Tumour could be removed and the small part left in the brain then grew back. It is currently not big enough to remove but still causes a problem in his brain and it is likely that it will eventually grow back soon. My dad has recently said that once the Tumour does grow back, he does not want to go through another operation as it will leave him further brain damaged than he is now.

The hardest part about my dads tumour is the change in his personality, he was always in control, very confident and sociable, but he is now constantly anxious and paranoid over any little thing he says, always worrying about offending people and people not liking him. The brain tumour is in the language area of his brain, causing him to be slow in speech and having to take moments to gather his words. This results in me often getting so frustrated to the point where I feel as though I may cry. Sometimes I even feel hatred for my dad for the effect it has had on my mum, but I know my hatred isn't directed specifically at him, just at the whole situation. I don't understand how my dad deserved this when people have often described him as someone who doesn't have a bad bone in his body.

Him and my mum were supposed to go travelling once me and my brothers moved out but he now gets too anxious on holidays and constantly has to know what he will do each day - he can never just relax. The fact that these future plans have now dissapeared and he doesn't seem to understand how upsetting this is for my mum, is one of the things that upsets me the most. He doesn't acknowledge the fact that my mums dream is to travel with him when they're older and now he laughs whenever she asks him about travelling, unaware of the hurt it obviously causes her.

He can not tell when we are upset or feeling down, he'll walk past me sometimes when I'm crying or even have a conversation with me and all I have to do is look at the floor and he won't notice I'm upset. Everyday I'm frustrated with him and this frustration is followed by guilt for that fact that it's not his fault yet I feel so angry at him. Nor him or my mum deserve this and that is what fuels my anger. I am the youngest child and my brothers have moved out, out of me and my siblings, I am the closest to my mum and I worry about when I move out because my mum will have no one living with her at home who understand what it's like to live with my dad.

Me and my mum both have friends we can talk to but it is so difficult to understand when you're not living with him yourself. I keep thinking I'll get used to the way my dad is now but everyday I still get angry and upset and it drags me down even after a good day at school. I also worry about when the Tumour will fully grow back, as it could be at anytime, whether that be tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year or in 10years; it is often on my mind and a pain not to know exactly when it will happen. However, I have to appreciate my dad being here while he is. I love my dad and he still makes an effort to show his care for me and the rest of the family, he is the most loving man I know and I will always remember him that way.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story.

Page updated 1 June 2016