Kate - aged 18

I couldn't handle the fact that he looked so ill. I felt so alone, even though I used to be really close to my friends, I felt like they wouldn't want the burden, wouldn't understand, or wouldn't care.

Last year, My dad was diagnosed with cancer. It all started in September 2003, but he was misdiagnosed as having laryngitis. So in February, after having a biopsy & lots of other tests, they told us he had cancer of the larynx. I didn't know what to think. The day of his biopsy, I wrote him a letter, I felt so bad for taking him for granted and wanted him to know. I stupidly wrote it in a boring lesson, so ended up in tears and had to leave the lesson. I only told one of my friends, who then knew what I meant when I told her "it's happened" when I got off the phone from my mum the day they got the results. I assumed it would just be laryngitis like they always said, I'm very naive like that. It didn't sink in for ages, but I told all my friends and went on with life. The next few months, my life was turned upside down. My brother, who was working abroad, came home to look after me while mum sat by dad's bedside in intensive care. A couple of weeks later, he came home. He couldn't talk, and looked like a completely different person. The cancer had spread to another part of his throat, so they had to rebuild it with muscle from his chest. I couldn't handle the fact that he looked so ill. I felt so alone, even though I used to be really close to my friends, I felt like they wouldn't want the burden, wouldn't understand, or wouldn't care. Eventually he began to speak and eat again, and then got sent for radiotherapy. He had a residential session because he had intensive treatment, 3 doses a day for 2 and a half weeks instead of one a day for six weeks. Mum stayed with him, my brothers were both away from home, so I stayed at a friend's house. When he cam home it was like we were back to square one...he couldn't talk, or eat, and looked awful. He gradually got better, and now he's back at work four days a week, driving, and eating nearly everything. He's pushed himself so much to get better for his family's sake and I feel so selfish for feeling depressed and alone. If he can go through that and not moan about it once, why can't I be happy that he's better and I still have my family? It doesn't make sense to me at all.

Page updated 18 July 2012