Keekee - 22 years old

It has taken me eight years to decide to write this blog and although there are still days when I feel angry, confused, and/or upset, I have achieved a lot since my dad´s passing and am enjoying life.

It has been eight years since his passing, but I still think of my dad every day. At the age of twenty-two, I have experienced a lot since his passing, I have grown in to a woman and feel that now the time is right to share my story with others who are living with a parent with cancer or who have lost a parent to cancer, because although you may be feeling angry, confused and/or upset – in time, it will get better.

In 2007 my life changed ‘forever’- it was in June of 2007 that my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Looking back, all the signs were there; the shortness of breath, the dizzy spells and even the bulbous fingers, yet no-one ever suspected something as sinister as what was about to be diagnosed. It was a weekday, I had just returned home from school to discover that my dad had been admitted to hospital. He had been feeling ill for a while and after having a black out the previous night - felt that the time was right to go to the hospital and investigate the problem.

At first my dad was diagnosed with COPD, (an inflammation of the lungs), however after various biopsies, prods, pocks and tests, my dear dad was diagnosed with NSCLC (non-small cell lung cancer) – a slow growing, but aggressive type of lung cancer. Despite his apparent early diagnosis, we were told that the cancer present in his lungs had been growing for over a year and because of this, his prognosis was not good.

Treatment began immediately and on the nineteenth of June 2007 my dad received his first dose of chemotherapy. For those who have not visited a cancer ward, they are easily recognisable by a high pitched beeping noise that is made by the machines used to treat cancer patients. While cancer wards may seem like daunting places, they are also places of hope that provide patients with life-saving treatments. During my dad’s treatments the family would take it in turns to visit and sit with him. Though his treatment was anything but enjoyable, as a family we strived to provide him with both good conversation and laughter during his stays at the hospital. At first, the chemotherapy seemed to have a positive effect and my dad experienced few side effects, however as time went on the medication became less and less effective. After reviewing my dad’s condition, his consultant suggested a combination treatment. As well as continuing to receive chemotherapy, my dad was also given radiotherapy in an effort to control his symptoms. Unlike with the chemotherapy, my dad began to experience a variety of side effects. These included hallucinations, water retention and skin discolouration. Though this was a time of fear, he remained optimistic throughout and during the last few weeks of his life we all grew a lot closer to him and were able to make memories with him that will last a lifetime.

Having undergone various bouts of both chemotherapy and radiotherapy, seven weeks later my family were invited to meet with my dad’s consultant. It was a Thursday morning when we were told that there was nothing more that could be done for him - his cancer was terminal and that Sunday my dad passed away. I was barely a teenager when I lost my dad and because of this felt as if my life would never be the same again. After his passing my family seemed to fall apart; while family members maintained contact, their grief manifested and their once kind words became tainted with anger. You see, no one person grieves in the same way, while some choose to conceal their grief, others cannot help but succumb to it. Feelings of regret are common after the death of a loved one and feelings of regret often lead to contentions and this was the case with my family.

Considering all that happened during this time, I am often asked how I dealt with it - a question of which I am unable to answer. While many may never see my sorrow, there are still times when I lose face and am reduced to tears. When my dad first passed away I stopped eating and lost interest in all things – all I could think about was him and the painful reality that I was never going to see him again. Returning to school after the summer holiday’s was in itself a challenge. The staff had all been informed of what had happened, as had my friends and tutor group. While everyone tried to be supportive, no one really knew how to act around me.

I felt as if I could not share my thoughts or feelings with anyone, as everyone around simply did not understand what I was going through or were grieving also. In the days leading up to his funeral I was offered counselling from the staff at Macmillan, although I chose not to accept their offer, I did seek support online. Websites such as CancerResearchuk.org and Riprap.org.uk gave me an insight into the pervasive nature of cancer. After reading various blogs written by other bereaved teenagers, I realised that I was not alone and that things would get better. That is to say that although ‘time does not heal the heart’, it certainly does make you appreciate life and its fragility.

It has taken me eight years to decide to write this blog and although there are still days when I feel angry, confused, and/or upset, I have achieved a lot since my dad’s passing and am enjoying life. My dad was and still is to this day, my hero; not once did I see him cry or complain about his diagnosis, rather he held onto and treasured his life until the very end. Instead of dwelling on a future without him, I have learnt to be thankful for the time that I had with him. Life is short and every moment counts, although it is hard to experience the loss of a parent, life does go on and in time it will get easier. Whether you are living with a parent with cancer or have lost a parent to cancer, do not be afraid to be yourself - I am proud of my dad and I know that he would be proud of me too.

 

Page updated 2 February 2016