Selina 13

I haven't forgiven her however for now I am putting it aside because the cancer is in her lungs and right now there is nothing I can do to help her and all I can do is regret what I still think about. Not wishing she were dead but thinking how much easier life would be without her.

 When I grew up I didn't have an ordinary childhood......

On my mums side when she was young she was mentally abused along with her sister and her brother - who left home. She supressed this so much she can't remember it. The only proof that it happened is my uncle - who left undamaged - and my mum. she treated us exactly the same way she was treated. an exact copy. it was always how our dad cheated on her and left her no money after the divorce and how we should hate him and how he doesn't care about us - which is to say, how her father was to them. and now because of it when I was 8 my sister left - she was depressed, she had anxiety and she was doing self harm. when my brother left home while I was at the age of 10, he was stuck in a virtual world with drive left in him to push forward with his life. he failed all his GCSE's - had to go to boarding school.

And then there's me. an ordinary girl with a twisted childhood. because of this I can't sleep, I have to have medicine to give myself a chance a sleeping. I have to see a psychiatrist so as to not do what my sister did.
all because my mum wasn't strong enough to be a mom.

And now she is dying.

I cannot stop feeling guilty for what I have been thinking. the weekend before I found out she had cancer I was so close to staying in London with my dad and I keep thinking, "what if I did?". and I keep feeling ashamed and worried for mum because growing up, being worried for mum was our job and now, even though we know we know the feeling is irrational we cant help but feel worried and guilty.

I know my mum doesn't have much time left, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this and being hard on myself but I cant help but think, "if she died I wouldn't have to confront her about leaving house and moving to dad's. it would be an automatic decision - nothing I could do about it and life a hell of a lot easier.". and that's why I feel guilty and ashamed - she doesn't deserve cancer, nobody does but even though she is in this desperate situation I cant forgive her but for now at least - rise above it. yes my mum did unforgivable stuff (mentally), yes she was never a proper mum but she doesn't deserve this and maybe if I hadn't done some of the stuff that I did then maybe she wouldn't be so hopelessly lost. and maybe if had learned to stand up for myself then maybe we might have been a normal divorced family with a dying mother.

I wasn't sure whether to put this on here because it is me about me regretting everything I thought about her despite what she did but I haven't forgiven her however for now I am putting it aside because the cancer is in her lungs and right now there is nothing I can do to help her and all I can do is regret what I still think about. Not wishing she were dead but thinking how much easier life would be without her.

thank you for reading even though it might not have helped anyone but it helped me to write this so if you do read this then I would recommend writing one. it really helps clear your mind

 

Page updated 31 May 2017