Tilly - 13 years old

I feel guilty for not helping much around the house, i usually run up to my room and listen to music and cry. I feel upset and depressed most of the time.

My mum got ill when i was seven. It was breast cancer, bad. I was of course seven, so i never really understood the whole concept, I guess the adults sorta just said 'mummy's going to be ill for quite a while' so that was that, she got treated, and all was okay for five years, until -

last year she got diagnosed with stage two breast cancer, terminal, I was very upset and i felt angry at myself, and anxious. But we coped for a wee bit, and my friends were very understanding, until around now where it's gotten worse, and she's on various treatment and chemo, and my life got a little harder. I find it hard coping in school, in my first year i was surrounded in friends, and i was popular, until second year, when I changed and liked a sorta different type of music, and that was that. My old friends kinda make me feel sad because they think i left them and I don't know what to say. My best friend is the only friend i think i can really talk too.

I feel guilty for not helping much around the house, i usually run up to my room and listen to music and cry. I feel upset and depressed most of the time. Also my parents are sorta hiding it from me and my sister (me more as I am younger) about like how she's doing and stuff. I just also want to know how long my mum has to live. (stage 4 breast cancer).

I feel sad because i see my dad, who's so in love with my mum, being sad. Plus my sister and that makes me sad because it feels like something bad's going to happen. I want my mum to live to see my children and me to graduate and everything but it seems that that isn't going to happen. I think i sometimes take out my anger from school or life on my parents and that makes me sad. I don't want to hurt my parents but i feel like i do and am. My dad also says when its just us three (him, me and my sister) that we have to be able to talk and share our feelings about mum, but whenever i think about it i cry so i mostly block it all out.

No-one but my best friend asks how i am doing and helps me through it and that makes me feel like no-one but her cares. I also feel very alone and depressed all the time and sometimes like I wish i was not here if that makes sense. My mum has suggested talking about family and her cancer with therapists, and we went once or twice but i hated sharing it with strangers who looked at me with pity. My mum suggested this site, so here i am. I hope my mum doesn’t die because i don't think i'd cope very well.

 

Page updated 10 October 2013