Aggie - 14 years old

Now that I'm older and I understand what is going on - that I could lose my mum - I'm terrified.

When I was 9 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer - about a year after her mum died of lung cancer. I didn't understand at all what was happening - why she lost her hair, why I would go weeks with out seeing her and so on. But now, 5 years later, she has been diagnosed with secondary, terminal cancer in her liver, a 50/50 chance of survival and has just started 6 months of chemo.

Now that I'm older and I understand what is going on - that I could lose my mum - I'm terrified. My mum is my beacon, my motivation, the reason I'm inspired to do well in school and in life, I just don't want to disappoint her. I'm scared if/when I lose her then I will lose everything. I don't know if I should live everyday optimistically and be shattered if it all ends badly or to live like she's going to die and be prepared.

I am one of six, I have an older sister and 4 younger siblings. I know that I have to be the strong big sister, for my siblings, who don't get at all what is going on. But it's just so hard you know? My family think I am shutting down, even though I'm doing my best. The last thing my mum needs is her older daughter to be miserable all the time. I keep things to myself mostly. Should I try counselling at my school? Any advice would really be appreciated, I know I'm in for a whirlwind.

Page updated 5 March 2018