Tegsie - 16 years old

I feel as if I never did enough for him. Never laughed with him enough, never talked to him as much as I should've, never told him how much I loved him...

My Dad was diagnosed 20 months ago with a brain tumor. I didn't find out until 3 days after his diagnosis. He went through 3 tumors, 2 ops, countless trips to the hospital, I don't know how many stints of radio/chemo therapy and a load of rubbish. Out of all that time I, out of my two sisters, visited him the least. Dad died on the 26th May 2014......I wasn't there.

You don't realize how much of an impact cancer has on your life, until the person suffering is torn away from you. Is it a crime that I wish my Dad was still here? Sitting with that build-up f cells in his head, suffering, but not in pain!!

I feel as if I never did enough for him. Never laughed with him enough, never talked to him as much as I should've, never told him how much I loved him...he may not've been my biological Dad, but he might as well have been...he was the only male-figure in my life who was always there. And I feel as if I wasn't there for him...when HE needed ME.

My Mum says I shouldn't blame myself for what has happened...and in truth I don't, but I blame myself for not visiting him more, for not being more supportive or more helpful. She says we'll have days where we feel SAD SAD SAD HAPPY SAD....and days when we're HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY SAD HAPPY, but I always feel guilty on those days....like I don't deserve them...

I saw Dad the day before he died...I could've told him then....could've said those 4 little words...Dad, I love you....but I didn't...I, meekly, assumed that I would see him whenever I next visited...whenever my schedule allowed me to....and now it's too late to tell him...

Dad wouldn't want me to feel like this...I know that, but, until it happens to you, you can't help but feel this way. I know, in time, that this feeling will die away...never completely, but little by little. Is it
terrible that I feel as if I want to stay that way forever?? I feel guilty because I don't want to let go...

 

Page updated 14 July 2014